tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49657896984438843602024-03-13T04:21:49.725-07:00J.X. Williams: Confessions of An Embittered Ex-Hollywood InsiderJ.X. Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08973193300402255546noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4965789698443884360.post-32754547129318404192011-01-18T10:57:00.000-08:002011-01-30T15:19:33.130-08:00CALUMNY AND BETRAYAL<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTTDtrXre9o3uw17VAFBJpMgKMrBvHBhDPsI9MBKZNTdva_Gdp3AN_DUNPHa4zB3hgxJipaX0yGol-gSVD9HmZsjzHUBFP0HC1F7r9diGd661VqrnGdJpJWpKv5KivWQB2SYzbYK07tuTU/s1600/Page2_FOREWORD_Noel_in_Archive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTTDtrXre9o3uw17VAFBJpMgKMrBvHBhDPsI9MBKZNTdva_Gdp3AN_DUNPHa4zB3hgxJipaX0yGol-gSVD9HmZsjzHUBFP0HC1F7r9diGd661VqrnGdJpJWpKv5KivWQB2SYzbYK07tuTU/s320/Page2_FOREWORD_Noel_in_Archive.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The rogue curator Noel Lawrence</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For those who follow my work, you may be familiar with an unsavory “curator” by the name of Noel Lawrence. He edited a </span><a href="http://www.camionnoir.com/?p=detail_livre&ID=152"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">book</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> about me in cahoots with an obscure <a href="http://www.evene.fr/celebre/biographie/jean-emmanuel-deluxe-39176.php">French rock critic</a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.evene.fr/celebre/biographie/jean-emmanuel-deluxe-39176.php"> </a>and has often screened </span><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/02/movies/02cull.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Peep Show”</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> and other movies at museums and cinematheques in Europe. </span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Until now, I have suffered this fellow. He was a pest but a persistent one so I occasionally indulged him. I gave him a few crumbs for his book and lent him some very valuable film prints from my private collection. However, Mr. Lawrence has repaid my generosity with </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">calumny and betrayal</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">!</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Noel recently asked my permission to screen my films “at a festival in Utah” in January. Naturally, I was very excited to be a part of Robert Redford’s powwow in Park City. Strangely, Noel seemed evasive when I asked about breaking bread with the great thespian. Now I have l</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">earned that Mr. Lawrence will be showcasing my work at a doppelganger festival that bears no connection to Slundance but happens at the very same time. </span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Even so, I only requested that my hosts provide me with the standard perks of a visiting </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">auteur</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> such as a five-figure appearance fee and a limousine from the Salt Lake City airport. In fact, I even waived the usual “hookers and champagne” clause from my contract. Noel avoided my calls for some time. When my personal assistant finally reached him, he informed me that this “film festival” will not even get me a room at the Motel 6 for my stay. </span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mr. Lawrence, you are a fraud and a cheat. This offense shall not go unanswered.</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bear in mind I do not advocate a boycott of the </span><a href="http://slamdance.bside.com/2011/films/kunstcamera_jxwilliams_slamdance2011;jsessionid=B0EBE8396B8BB37CB9534CA8AB980BAA"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">screening</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. In fact, I urge your attendance as this may be your last chance to see these films. I will be confiscating my prints after the screening and locking them up in a secure location that Dick Cheney could only dream of. Instead of preventing this show, I propose to add a special bonus attraction to the festivities. After Lawrence finishes presenting my films, I will come on stage and personally beat the shit out of this craven curator.</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVoRPkV5E8zc9skfcJaVMhDYS2g-TUiHF7hO2Brqln3bTx3wvQp2nygXQExdtk4n4KbQSYjrFgRL_SXLiFLSevL8RmoVD6s5BbnLlHZS7mYEqlPQMzsaHsqSvO6sBo0vAdVj1z3NyCRqdm/s1600/MainStGym2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVoRPkV5E8zc9skfcJaVMhDYS2g-TUiHF7hO2Brqln3bTx3wvQp2nygXQExdtk4n4KbQSYjrFgRL_SXLiFLSevL8RmoVD6s5BbnLlHZS7mYEqlPQMzsaHsqSvO6sBo0vAdVj1z3NyCRqdm/s320/MainStGym2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Prepare yourself, Noel! I am at work in my private gymnasium with the soundtrack to Rocky cranked to maximum volume. I am jumping rope, hitting the bag, and taking long steam baths. By the time I arrive in Park City, I shall be in full fettle and ready to kick your ass. In that regard, perhaps I owe backhanded thanks to Lawrence for motivating me to undertake this strenuous physical regimen.</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoPlainText"></div><div class="MsoPlainText"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now you may ask yourself why I would not just use one of my favorite shotguns to dispatch this blackguard. That would not be appropriate. Firearms are for gentlemen in a duel. This rapscallion merits nothing greater than fists and feet. Moreover, he is a wimp. A girl could beat him up and so can an old man like myself. </span></div>J.X. Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08973193300402255546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4965789698443884360.post-81717352288424026832011-01-13T22:26:00.000-08:002011-01-13T22:26:22.064-08:00Addendum to Previous Post<!--StartFragment--> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Though I still am not at liberty to discuss my role in “the spaghetti incident,” I do want to make one important clarification before tongues inevitably begin to wag. Yes, I puked on the agent’s wife. However, I did not puke on her intentionally as everyone claimed. It simply had been an unfortunate occurrence without any premeditated ill-will. </span></div><!--EndFragment-->J.X. Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08973193300402255546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4965789698443884360.post-65443701230517001512011-01-06T15:26:00.000-08:002011-01-06T23:01:00.502-08:00Vindication!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdbD8wrhGWs1e9ed809Znz3SCSEwAt0qwYiWSdZ-US11MLjQgkc5fIWbMPYZsxrStT5GKUtM3t4sUd0rp39ZJ-IEx9MM4MH6HGWvEP7OWlAvgyMY5CrBLsAofAQ8307iccTfh1hS64xra8/s1600/swissair990a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdbD8wrhGWs1e9ed809Znz3SCSEwAt0qwYiWSdZ-US11MLjQgkc5fIWbMPYZsxrStT5GKUtM3t4sUd0rp39ZJ-IEx9MM4MH6HGWvEP7OWlAvgyMY5CrBLsAofAQ8307iccTfh1hS64xra8/s320/swissair990a.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As I watched the tarmac of LAX shrinking beneath the clouds on that fateful day in 1981, many tears salted the first martini of the flight. The first-class one-way ticket to Geneva was on the house. So was the Gucci attaché case stuffed with Krugerrands and back issues of Hustler Magazine for bathroom reading. I had even more money waiting for me at the Zurich branch of Credit Suisse. The boys back East hadn’t loaded me on that plane without a golden parachute. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I was never coming home. Nearly a half-century worth of dreams died that day. All of my life had been writing, shooting, editing, directing, living and breathing the movies. Whether buying bear claws for the grips before dawn, pitching “the best film ever” to a bored junior executive at Universal, or waking up nose down in the shag carpet of an unknown hotel room (though I could tell by the weave that I was at the Chateau Marmont), the beat never stopped. Life was film and film was life and that was that. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And now it was over. There had been a scandal. Then a cover-up. I became the damage to be controlled. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thirty years passed in exile and not a day went by without waiting for </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">the call</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. I knew sooner or later my contributions to the art of cinema would be recognized. Hollywood would someday let me back into its precious fold. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And, finally, vindication. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_ug6qeAFy_DUAm56y1b8gzPhYTrmxL8W7U0WWOaCT2tKgTTxBiYVLJZnUGy3fjJ3D3kL3A-CraGgJBypkkRHqGgX309CFIPeKHrwFTuyZYMcygL4jLIw0apuSWSpO1OxHYoN0eHLoi110/s1600/slamdance_poster_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_ug6qeAFy_DUAm56y1b8gzPhYTrmxL8W7U0WWOaCT2tKgTTxBiYVLJZnUGy3fjJ3D3kL3A-CraGgJBypkkRHqGgX309CFIPeKHrwFTuyZYMcygL4jLIw0apuSWSpO1OxHYoN0eHLoi110/s320/slamdance_poster_01.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It recently came to my attention that the Slamdance Film Festival will be presenting a <a href="http://slamdance.bside.com/2011/films/kunstcamera_jxwilliams_slamdance2011">retrospective </a>of my work. I would like to personally thank Robert Redford for inviting me to once more be a part of the Industry that has shunned me for so long. Further, I want to praise him for overlooking my disgraceful conduct during the notorious “spaghetti incident.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear readers, I am afraid I cannot go into details on the events that transpired that evening. However, rest assured Redford is quite a </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">mensch </span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">to offer his tacit forgiveness. Now, please let me get back to packing. I bought a new flask and thermal socks for Park City!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>J.X. Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08973193300402255546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4965789698443884360.post-23755276697236105822010-12-10T23:50:00.000-08:002010-12-11T02:28:23.458-08:00Wulberry Street<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ6vwigqMAVfi0xTnLwK7JLAR-x_yWlczieyWcIuN1yaCu82TvzVnu-8exUqwiRxEtDqfQqIXfGEb0IE7QBiaXEx39J3ZPPkRm2ERU9mAFalYcG6G8KvcVec-3pZ22_A6R0a2R3SP7bnIG/s1600/countroom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ6vwigqMAVfi0xTnLwK7JLAR-x_yWlczieyWcIuN1yaCu82TvzVnu-8exUqwiRxEtDqfQqIXfGEb0IE7QBiaXEx39J3ZPPkRm2ERU9mAFalYcG6G8KvcVec-3pZ22_A6R0a2R3SP7bnIG/s320/countroom.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Casino Count Room</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back in the 60s and 70s, the Outfit had a beautiful scam going on. If you wanted to raise money to buy a casino in Las Vegas, the financing had to go through the Central States Teamster Pension Fund. And since the mob had Jimmy Hoffa in their pocket, no one got a loan unless the families got to skim a percentage of the take. Since casinos dealt mostly in cash, we just had to install a few moles in the count rooms to ferry the loot back to our friends in Chicago and New York. The biggest problem was that the money weighed so much. Have you ever lugged around a Samsonite with a quarter-million in low-denomination banknotes? Just the thought of it makes my shoulder cramp. Even so, we never had it so good. It made prohibition look like chump change. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Unfortunately, the Feds eventually shut down the operation. A lot of guys got clipped and even more got shipped off to the slammer. Scorsese made a </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t09aGcMjnWM"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">great film</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> about the whole thing.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As much money as we made from Las Vegas, I am blown away by the crooks of today. They established a multi-billion dollar racket that not even Meyer Lansky could have dreamed up.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, if you’ll indulge me for the next 12 paragraphs or so, I am going to set up a fairly complex analogy that will illuminate the greatest crime of the 21st</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Century.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The casinos moved east but not to Atlantic City. They classed up the joints and gave them names like NASDAQ and NYSE. Instead of calling the activity “gambling,” it was now referred to as “investing.” The best part was that the casinos no longer needed to lure the suckers to Nevada to lose their money. In fact, they weren’t even allowed inside the casino. Instead, they entrusted “experts” to do it on the gambling floor.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgSGe5EScLDcd-e1v-G9prJzn43d1d-OIaDuNTuHkXthV_rWQO5c0WjeEsuDR1dYUCDKApGOihxsibhV3h60sH1SSUs3JYgNc9cXcmVWKsabnfX-M8dqVsjTpxzaN61zVi4cRGTJ05s7rZ/s1600/Wire_Room.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgSGe5EScLDcd-e1v-G9prJzn43d1d-OIaDuNTuHkXthV_rWQO5c0WjeEsuDR1dYUCDKApGOihxsibhV3h60sH1SSUs3JYgNc9cXcmVWKsabnfX-M8dqVsjTpxzaN61zVi4cRGTJ05s7rZ/s320/Wire_Room.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Police Busting a Wire Room circa 1950s</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of course, this is nothing new. We used to have these joints in Chicago called “wire rooms” where gamblers could phone in bets on football games and horse races. You developed a relationship with your bookie just like a savvy investor has one with his broker. But imagine if your bookie demanded a percentage of your paycheck every week to play the horses. You still could choose your bets but you had to gamble no matter what. That’s a 401K. Now imagine if the bookie handled millions of dollars from thousands of people and could bet the money any way he saw fit. Even better, you never had a chance to chew him out on the phone when he lost your dough. That is known as a mutual fund.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, I know what you’re thinking. A stock is a unit of ownership in a business entity. That’s so 1974, dude. Today, we’ve got synthetic financial instruments like derivatives, short sales, CDO’s, and God knows what else. There’s even a </span><a href="http://dealbook.nytimes.com/2010/03/11/a-place-to-bet-real-money-on-movies/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">fund</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> where people can gamble on the box office grosses of movies. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So far, we’ve established two key elements of my analogy:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Casino = Financial Market<br />
2. Gambling = Investing</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of course, had these billion-dollar bookies been working The Strip 40 years ago, every wiseguy would have taken a piece of their Ivy League ass. And when these jerks lost other people’s money, they’d end up in the cement foundation of a parking garage. No one made big money in Vegas without an organization to protect him. In my day, a high roller could have chosen among several sponsors from New York: Gambino, Colombo, Lucchese, Bonanno, or Genovese. Sure, these guys are still around but a new set of families controls the stock rackets: the Goldman group, the Morgan Stanley cartel, and a mean crew of greaseballs formerly known as the </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bank_of_Italy_(USA)"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bank of Italy</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. </span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do these organizations provide protection? In Vegas, the tools were rather crude. Lead pipes and guns proved messy yet effective. If you fucked with the wrong guy, we’d put you in a hole in the desert. Of course, all that blood was bad for business. So today’s crime families use more subtle means. They employ armies of in-house attorneys that will litigate their enemies into the grave.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">However, you’ve still got to handle the Feds. The banksters have the SEC. We dealt with the FBI. More important, politicians could enact harsher laws to disrupt all of our illicit activities. So how did we get away with our thing? Well, back in the old days, we would use something known as a bribe. We gave them to politicians in order to get something we wanted. For instance, they could stop a DA or a police chief from interfering with the skim. The only problem is that bribes are illegal. In fact, Roy Williams (president of the Teamsters after Hoffa got whacked) went to jail because he offered one to </span><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2002/03/07/us/howard-cannon-90-senator-who-served-four-terms-dies.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Senator Cannon</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> near the end of our Vegas heyday. </span></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTUItp1srFh7nLlQhucGNpnbrV1GsvaPzCnE58S38kSf75OK1eeDCVmznUC3y2mRvsC51wwZDVbZPVzxZ3mPZyPmN4OtayF57lBngWL9Pn6Vf0mu2wk9nx97NiDqVG107Fp0bJidlX2R8U/s1600/gs_board_meeting2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTUItp1srFh7nLlQhucGNpnbrV1GsvaPzCnE58S38kSf75OK1eeDCVmznUC3y2mRvsC51wwZDVbZPVzxZ3mPZyPmN4OtayF57lBngWL9Pn6Vf0mu2wk9nx97NiDqVG107Fp0bJidlX2R8U/s320/gs_board_meeting2.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Goldman Sachs Board Meeting</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fortunately, the banksters developed a legal sort of bribe known as a “campaign contribution.” For instance, Goldman Sachs was the </span><a href="http://www.opensecrets.org/pres08/contrib.php?cycle=2008&cid=n00009638"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">second largest</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> donor to Obama’s 2008 presidential run with a grand payoff of $994,795. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, let’s try to figure out the difference between a political contribution and a bribe. With a bribe, the politician can spend the money any way he sees fit, be it a plasma screen TV or a Maserati. On the other hand, a campaign contribution is more limited in scope. The money enables someone to acquire a powerful and prestigious position in government. Further, the politician needs this money every few years to keep the job. In both cases, I am giving you something of value. Do you imagine that I do not expect anything in return?</span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The best part is that I don’t even need to disclose my identity since the Supreme Court’s </span><a href="http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2010/10/07/130399554/fresh-air"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Citizens United ruling</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> in 2010. As a result, I can use my money as leverage in case you do not give me what I want. There’s a wonderful organization known as the </span><a href="http://thinkprogress.org/2010/10/05/foreign-chamber-commerce/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">U.S. Chamber of Commerce</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> where I can secretly funnel as much money as I want to fund your opponent and kick you out of office. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So what did the banksters get for their campaign contributions? TARP comes to mind. A former lobbyist for Goldman got appointed as </span><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/story?id=6735898&tqkw=&tqshow=&page=1"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tim Geithner’s chief of staff</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. In case you’re not familiar with what a chief of staff does, he’s basically a gatekeeper that decides who can see his boss. So if you want an audience with the Secretary of the Treasury to discuss, say, corrupt business practices at Goldman Sachs, you’ve got to convince their former lobbyist to set the meet. Good luck, buddy! And as for the SEC, they are too </span><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/23/secs-porn-problem-was-ram_n_510198.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">busy watching porn</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> to conduct serious investigations. I only wish the FBI had the Internet back then. We’d still be skimming casinos.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay, let’s take a deep breath and put together two more pieces of the puzzle: </span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. Mob Family = “Too Big To Fail” Investment Banking Firm</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> 4. Bribe = Campaign Contribution</span></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now here’s my favorite part. Do you remember all of that money that drained out of your pension plan? Do you think it all just vanished in a puff of smoke? Obviously, there are many complex economic factors that determine the value of stocks and other financial instruments. Alan Greenspan and Larry Summers probably understand this crap but I do not. However, I have a pretty strong suspicion where at least part of your money went.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whether or not a casino made or lost money in a given month, we always could skim part of the cash that flowed through the count room. Similarly, the widespread turbulence of the markets seems to have little effect on the enormous bonuses paid out to investment bankers every Christmas. Interesting.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let me paint a pretty picture for you. This is the story of Joe Sixpack and Lloyd Blankfein. Joe is an electrician in Utica. He dutifully puts his money into a pension fund. When the fund goes up, Lloyd takes his cut. And when the fund goes down, Lloyd keeps his cut. Joe loses his life savings and bags groceries at Wal-Mart. Lloyd uses his yearly bonus to buy another mansion in Westport. You can read the full story </span><a href="http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE62763320100308"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">here</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. </span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So now let’s hammer the final nail in the coffin:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. Wall Street Bonuses = Las Vegas Casino Skim</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Things haven’t changed much except that the crap games on Mulberry Street moved downtown. And they became too big to get busted. Shutting down the casinos would bring down the entire world financial system. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am in awe. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am also amused at the complacency of you schumucks out there. While I’m waiting for pornographic videotapes to rewind on my VCR, I sometimes tune in to this Fox News Channel you’ve got. Americans are real pissed off these days. But instead of going after the guys who stole their money, they elect a bunch of Republicans who are even bigger banker-lovers than the Democrats </span></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let’s get something straight here. I don’t give a fuck about social justice. If you morons want to keep electing conservative Republicans for the next hundred years, that’s fine with me. I’ve got no beef with the banksters. I invest in gold and real estate. Always made money. I only worry about politicians who want to set up extradition treaties with foreign countries where I travel. That would be a bummer. Otherwise, knock yourself out. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don’t know much about ethics. However, I do understand power and force. You can’t go against a guy like John Gotti because you will get killed. On the other hand, I don’t see what is stopping Americans from taking down these bald fat pricks on Wall Street. It all comes down to strength in numbers. Imagine a card game with ten guys. One of them cheats and wins all of their cash. The remedy is simple. The other nine players kick the shit out of the bum and get their money back. Now imagine an even larger table. Millions of players lose their shirts and a handful of jerks end up with all of the chips. If I had any skin in a game like that, I’d organize an angry mob with torches and pitchforks, give them bus tickets to Greenwich, loot the bankers' mansions, and sell the swag on eBay. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And if you don’t dig violence, why not just elect some politicians who pass laws to tax the hell out of investment bankers? Even the backwards Brits with their crusty class system managed to enact a </span><a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/bankers-angry-over-windfall-tax-on-bonuses-1835852.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">windfall tax</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. After we claw back their ill-gotten gains, the money goes into a government fund to create federal jobs like FDR did during the Great Depression. Or just give every citizen a rebate check so they can keep the heat on this winter. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">These teabaggers crack me up. If they’d shut off the tube for five minutes and think about what I just wrote, maybe the workingman could take back his country. </span></div>J.X. Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08973193300402255546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4965789698443884360.post-49975098791689965002010-12-06T20:58:00.000-08:002011-01-16T16:02:47.114-08:00Lindsay Lohan Survival Tips<div class="MsoNormal"><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcom2ie7YzWdXSKW3iakIfzFYTc9SLyQE_L5ShNpuXU5dNEzS3rSp1qKLUcH-GZ6rPW6aXdIIORM9lSTDuPgOqLMmrMahJOlRU94k6ydkaHWECWahPOoz8em6XVZ5CpQpbRZblSvzdESpU/s1600/Marilyn_Monroe_and_Jerry_Giesler_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcom2ie7YzWdXSKW3iakIfzFYTc9SLyQE_L5ShNpuXU5dNEzS3rSp1qKLUcH-GZ6rPW6aXdIIORM9lSTDuPgOqLMmrMahJOlRU94k6ydkaHWECWahPOoz8em6XVZ5CpQpbRZblSvzdESpU/s320/Marilyn_Monroe_and_Jerry_Giesler_2.jpg" width="277" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jerry Geisler taking care of business. </td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lindsay, I’m sorry it had to come to this. Your story saddens me. Back in my day, the judges in LA County were stern but their rates were reasonable. The current media environment is appalling. Where is </span><a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0543440/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Eddie Mannix</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> when you need him? Where’s </span><a href="http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/99999999/FAMOUSIOWANS/511200329"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jerry Giesler</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">? Jesus, I’d even settle for </span><a href="http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1866315,00.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anthony Pellicano</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> right now. What is this world coming to?! In better times, talk could be silenced. And when that failed, the talker could be silenced. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, don’t worry. I’m not going to feed you a line of condescending paternal pabulum about cleaning up your act. Let’s face it. You’re 24, rich, famous, and Betty Ford might as well install a turnstile at the security gates for your relapses. You’re back on the street on January 3, 2011 and temptation in West Hollywood abounds. Before TMZ can twitter “train wreck,” you’re going to get busted back. And next time, it won’t be easy time. It will be Downey time (or even Spector time if you really fuck up). </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Keeping in mind the horrendous conditions on the ground, I’d like to give you a survival kit. A realistic one. Before proceeding, let me state my underlying thesis: a human being may live a normal, healthy lifespan while indulging heavily in recreational drugs. I’ve done it. </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_S._Burroughs"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">William S. Burroughs</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> did it. And </span><a href="http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/march2005/020305storychanges.htm"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hunter S. Thompson </span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">could have made the finish line if he had not opted out. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The good news is that you may continue to use narcotics. Even in the spotlight, life is depressing and a few kicks keep the stride in your step. However, the professional hedonist must be guarded, disciplined, and mindful. Sure, you can live on the edge but it’s a question of distance. Are you going to party two meters from the edge or two millimeters? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Below are my ten commandments. Dr. “Moses” Williams is handing down these tablets from high above Mt. Sinai so you don’t end up in Cedars-Sinai. They may be harder pills to swallow than last night’s ecstasy but do not question my wisdom. I’m thrice your age and can still drink, snort, shoot, toke, and ingest any punk junkie under any table. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Commandment One: HIRE A CHAUFFEUR</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT6CzLA6RHXc_gUpKsnr-qiH55FOJfhtuTFLu9bU-RkKzmBWDJ7wgUjMasi49bc0VQ7gllbmZg4gKjyL_nwrpFGap16J2ffHQarhvHsl3F3w893G3xVlB1PpgG5aYDyQ64seS10JT5oapA/s1600/sunset-boulevard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT6CzLA6RHXc_gUpKsnr-qiH55FOJfhtuTFLu9bU-RkKzmBWDJ7wgUjMasi49bc0VQ7gllbmZg4gKjyL_nwrpFGap16J2ffHQarhvHsl3F3w893G3xVlB1PpgG5aYDyQ64seS10JT5oapA/s320/sunset-boulevard.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve known many functional alcoholics around town who hire a personal driver to cart their asses from bar to bar until they pass out on the floor or end up in the drunk tank. With your healt</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">hy income, you have no excuse to endanger the lives of pedestrians on the Sunset Strip with alcohol-impaired driving. I suggest the purchase of a non-descript Bentley limo (those Hummer stretches are tacky and bad for the environment) that includes a wet bar stocked with all of your favorite drinks. Open container laws do not apply to the passenger section of these vehicles so you will be able to imbibe before and after visits to your favorite nightclubs.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you choose to use narcotics in the limousine, a decent welder can saw a small hole through the floorboard so you can abandon your contraband in the event of a police stop or checkpoint. Also, make sure your driver has a clean record and will submit to random drug testing. After Princess Diana, I’m probably stating the obvious but, considering the company you keep, let’s not take any chances. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Command Two: BE NICE TO COPS</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmApj2W0pf6MSMAS9OuYTo-HVacsrmTDNYqlZU0Mjkml8lt7CfH5xz2kU4LRwdgkc6DBKFhsJ257uNIPhPFShH1fuD3ofSORY4gXeUYxTrf_x3qPhzz9WJO9yCLgN0M4NVeImwAkHasHlp/s1600/Officer_Friendly.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmApj2W0pf6MSMAS9OuYTo-HVacsrmTDNYqlZU0Mjkml8lt7CfH5xz2kU4LRwdgkc6DBKFhsJ257uNIPhPFShH1fuD3ofSORY4gXeUYxTrf_x3qPhzz9WJO9yCLgN0M4NVeImwAkHasHlp/s320/Officer_Friendly.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I cannot tell you how many times my “Patrolman’s Benevolent Association” bumper sticker allowed me to drive away from a borderline DUI pinch. If you are nice to the police, they will be nice to you. If you are afraid of the police, they will be afraid of you. A copper can smell fear just like any well-trained watchdog. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Remember Officer Friendly? Did he ever do you wrong? If you are a white and wealthy female, cops are your friends. The LAPD is out there to save your sorry ass from stalkers and maniacs who fixate on your fame and intend grievous bodily harm. On a daily basis, the police deal with murders, assaults, rapes, and all sorts of horrors you only view from the comfort of your VIP seating at a red-carpet premiere. Lindsay Lohan is not the center of their world. You are a second-rate nuisance that interferes with law enforcement’s ability to carry out more important duties. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Establishing a rapport with the LAPD will save you much grief down the road. Back in my day, I made a habit of taking officers to lunch. They had issues with me. I had issues with them. But after a couple martinis, we usually resolved our differences and moved on to more substantive matters such as the Dodgers’ potential for taking the pennant in 1977. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBdKZFmJwPC9T2ny5aGf5KptN9PHBD0JCVM3elkctCO8ngnilx1sSOe-ZsbroytPPVQ_pZgMRbTtS7GlxYyLiTYdU8tzrfjZa_QpfNcuMl9su_KnqcUiW8c__L7RIFnkZKwmMBScj-DKYH/s1600/la2004-0407-047a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBdKZFmJwPC9T2ny5aGf5KptN9PHBD0JCVM3elkctCO8ngnilx1sSOe-ZsbroytPPVQ_pZgMRbTtS7GlxYyLiTYdU8tzrfjZa_QpfNcuMl9su_KnqcUiW8c__L7RIFnkZKwmMBScj-DKYH/s320/la2004-0407-047a.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Invite a hot-dog LAPD captain or lieutenant to the <a href="http://www.pacificdiningcar.com/">Pacific Dining Car</a> for a nice meal. Cops love the joint. The menu is a bit pricey on a policeman’s salary so they will be grateful when you pick up the check. The restaurant has excellent steaks and an elegant low-key atmosphere for good conversation. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Given your status as a paparazzi magnet, book a private room at the Dining Car and arrive twenty minutes before the scheduled meeting. Otherwise, you’re going to blow their cover and everyone will look stupid. Now, don’t worry. You won’t need to bribe or blow anyone. A $25,000 donation to a slain officer fund should be sufficient to put you in their good graces. And, frankly, if you’re going to stuff that cash up your nose within the month, why not do a good deed for once in your life?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Command Three: FILE MOTIONS TO SECURE MORE SYMPATHETIC JUDGES</span></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiiJP3nb-Fq7a6pC-JWa9B2lhRB2yg_JP06KBPowbITaR0v83s1NVN5TcjYzLjyDs430FCPQmkuodaIOzREmsACZxEIal5WnhOml6aogWsmfAeWsd2oHoUgEK-VrZaRDGuFpKA5La_0YWm/s1600/0726-judge-revel-splash-1-credit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiiJP3nb-Fq7a6pC-JWa9B2lhRB2yg_JP06KBPowbITaR0v83s1NVN5TcjYzLjyDs430FCPQmkuodaIOzREmsACZxEIal5WnhOml6aogWsmfAeWsd2oHoUgEK-VrZaRDGuFpKA5La_0YWm/s320/0726-judge-revel-splash-1-credit.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Judge Marsha Revel ain't into revelry.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, let’s see. You put your fate in the hands of a menopausal female judge under a harsh media spotlight. Then you publicly flout her authority and ignore her rulings whilst partying in Cannes. Lindsay, you ought to know how envious women can get. And I don’t know what goodies Marcia Revel has under her robe but I will assume they are not as tasty as yours. How could you not see how this episode would play out? You almost deserve to go to jail for the crime of willful stupidity. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At this point, it’s a little late in the game to switch judges though I just heard Lil’ Miss Marcia had to recuse herself from your case. Wonder if Bob Shapiro’s working that “Ol’ Black Mannix” behind the scenes. Or maybe she really did fuck up. I just can’t know…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, next time you end up in court, have your lawyer find a nice white-haired old gent from the judicial pool. Flirt a bit, hit your mark, and you’ll be able to get away with murder. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxTRITw34ykMt4TgmGE90nC7nhUnlv9BfjXWdVrPNW_G_MpO915OjZsIwXeTSUjk7ThAV7b1_CDNYOMIDIoPB36oa6_aYQeRDXI8CrEkHlwiZ01B_LMduTXB9NDvBkQFW9AaVHAyniUOL1/s1600/capt.b373ab288bce4ac4ad843ce87059eb2f-b373ab288bce4ac4ad843ce87059eb2f-0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxTRITw34ykMt4TgmGE90nC7nhUnlv9BfjXWdVrPNW_G_MpO915OjZsIwXeTSUjk7ThAV7b1_CDNYOMIDIoPB36oa6_aYQeRDXI8CrEkHlwiZ01B_LMduTXB9NDvBkQFW9AaVHAyniUOL1/s200/capt.b373ab288bce4ac4ad843ce87059eb2f-b373ab288bce4ac4ad843ce87059eb2f-0.jpg" width="200" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Honorable Elden S. Fox</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">UPDATE: Congratulations on getting the Honorable Elden S. Fox! He sounds like a definite improvement. According to </span><a href="http://www.underdoglaw.com/showthread.php?t=44"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">one legal forum</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, “He has bent over backwards with criminal defendants whom he thinks can be helped with something other then wasting time in jail.” </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGUCndZj6L8SknfD9P7vRY707eRdZ_rXS5k4nMvJja4MJbcz2_o-WeQOioW3x2FHEJEOu_uOHXMIkaUuQZ-H0HMHAfLvL1s5vT_022jcdJQpTQceeek1R-ChWgY-Y3nzFhLB_GRJLY5sig/s1600/Lindsay-Lohan-Fuck-You-Fingernail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Commandment Four: REFRAIN FROM INSCRIBING PROFANITIES ON YOUR FINGERNAIL AND OTHER MORONIC, CHILDISH FORMS OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR</span></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGUCndZj6L8SknfD9P7vRY707eRdZ_rXS5k4nMvJja4MJbcz2_o-WeQOioW3x2FHEJEOu_uOHXMIkaUuQZ-H0HMHAfLvL1s5vT_022jcdJQpTQceeek1R-ChWgY-Y3nzFhLB_GRJLY5sig/s1600/Lindsay-Lohan-Fuck-You-Fingernail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGUCndZj6L8SknfD9P7vRY707eRdZ_rXS5k4nMvJja4MJbcz2_o-WeQOioW3x2FHEJEOu_uOHXMIkaUuQZ-H0HMHAfLvL1s5vT_022jcdJQpTQceeek1R-ChWgY-Y3nzFhLB_GRJLY5sig/s320/Lindsay-Lohan-Fuck-You-Fingernail.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Commandment Five: USE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS AS AVAILABLE</span></b><br />
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<b><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">According to </span><a href="http://www.popcrunch.com/lindsay-lohans-prescription-drug-regime-revealed/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">news reports</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, I have learned that you have been on several prescription medications, including Zoloft, Trazodone, Adderall, Nexium, and Dilaudid. Most of that stuff is just boring, non-euphoric garbage. You can drop that crap. It obviously hasn’t done you much good. However, I’m very interested in the Dilaudid prescription that you received for “occasional dental pain.” That must be one of hell of a toothache, LiLo!</span></span></div></div></div></div></b><br />
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</span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmewBkWBHbCMGnbS7K_JAWZXGRV_9yPRMcQfYG9VCAu1RKyy8EgK9KrvNLplLzSDSuVMgmTTJPnUCdI6YSFFmAOxId6He5hmnq97md9GVDYZ6higXkBzrsOkGvRU14Vz9bmrSYlPCeutgN/s1600/COWBOY-2-popup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmewBkWBHbCMGnbS7K_JAWZXGRV_9yPRMcQfYG9VCAu1RKyy8EgK9KrvNLplLzSDSuVMgmTTJPnUCdI6YSFFmAOxId6He5hmnq97md9GVDYZ6higXkBzrsOkGvRU14Vz9bmrSYlPCeutgN/s320/COWBOY-2-popup.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For those who haven’t seen </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_Rs8c08hM8"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Drugstore Cowboy</span></a></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, Dilaudid was the very potent opiate that Matt Dillon’s character jacked from pharmacies. In fact, the actual person (</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">James Fogle)</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> that inspired the film just got arrested for <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/28/us/28cowboy.html">trying to stick up a drug store in Redmond, Washington</a> at the ripe old age of 73. I’m glad to see us geriatrics fight for the right to party. Keep punchin’, Jim!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Suffice to say, I would be most grateful if you could refer me to your dentist. In the meantime, stock up on those Dilaudid refills. Nothing beats narcotics manufactured in a FDA-sanctioned laboratory. By the time you score street stuff, it probably has gone through multiple distributors who progressively adulterate the product with quinine, caffeine, and all sorts of unhealthy chemical substances that diminish its purity. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie5wdXZVAGzQkP1f3iMyd4Uljw0_P90LXrdz0-neB0cE0UIiPclyCx0m2qKMB2q0uaa6OY7PEbLjBM34C6qmC5_YQO1y9ZQbjDuukcUupD-1-oP9G86nc8z9kfTvfCCYNxIGI4ygVcvrut/s1600/original_image.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEie5wdXZVAGzQkP1f3iMyd4Uljw0_P90LXrdz0-neB0cE0UIiPclyCx0m2qKMB2q0uaa6OY7PEbLjBM34C6qmC5_YQO1y9ZQbjDuukcUupD-1-oP9G86nc8z9kfTvfCCYNxIGI4ygVcvrut/s200/original_image.png" width="135" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As they say, if you want money, go to a bank. And if you want drugs, go to a drug store. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now don’t be an idiot like Rush Limbaugh and go doctor shopping. The acquisition process should be performed through two levels of cut-outs. The first set procures the desired painkillers from, say, arthritic old ladies in Fairfax Village who want to pad their social security checks. You must not have any contact with these people. They never, ever should know your identity in the event of an arrest. Instead, your upper cut-outs will obtain the narcotics from the lower ones and then deliver them to you. By this means, you will achieve a certain degree of insulation. However, the upper cut-outs could still drop the dime on you so be sure to pay them well for their services. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizlLt7GmLAeH_XV8OAgP-rHDTyNl3N0OMYcjHGWg-eMHujF9Iq6jQifZ8JAkzcDVYc9dC4XofSu7tz5b-haZPyvhW1Kr3JEWpf3N1e6eJewQ27PkCoLu0XePsjq6GTR6VFgeaVaSfNh6x1/s1600/Percocet-Pain-Medication-768839.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizlLt7GmLAeH_XV8OAgP-rHDTyNl3N0OMYcjHGWg-eMHujF9Iq6jQifZ8JAkzcDVYc9dC4XofSu7tz5b-haZPyvhW1Kr3JEWpf3N1e6eJewQ27PkCoLu0XePsjq6GTR6VFgeaVaSfNh6x1/s320/Percocet-Pain-Medication-768839.jpg" width="258" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At this point, you still carry the risk of a possession rap without a doctor’s prescription. However, I have a workaround for that too. If you previously had a prescription for a pleasant controlled substance like Percocet, be sure to save the bottle. Long after the official refills have run out, you may continue to replenish the contents without anyone getting wise at an airport or border crossing. Even if the bottle is out of date, you can just say it ended up in your luggage from an old vacation. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In this case, be sure the dosages match the label. For instance, if the doctor originally prescribed DuPont </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7.5mg Oxycodone Hydrochloride/325mg Acetaminophen Percocet</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, be sure to acquire pills of the same dosage and brand. Most customs officers probably won’t be able to identify the imprint codes but I always advise minimization of exposure.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></b></span></div></b><br />
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</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Commandment Six: USE DRUGS RESPONSIBLY</span> </b><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></b><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">As I mentioned earlier, narcotics are OK. In fact, you are free to use lots of drugs but you must </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">use lots of different drugs</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">. The problem with addicts is that they get stuck in a rut. They develop an unhealthy relationship with a controlled substance. The narcotic becomes the crazed yet beautiful lover you cannot quit even though the affair is clearly headed for an unpleasant demise. After awhile, addicts don’t even get high off their drugs. They take more and more of the same substance, chasing after the initial bliss like trying to recapture the better days of a romance gone sour. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></b></span><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; font-weight: normal;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></b></span></div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></b><br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><b></b><br />
<b></b><br />
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<b></b><br />
<b><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">When using drugs, promiscuity is key. No loyalty. Fuck and leave. There are so many wonderful drugs out there that can fuck you up in so many different ways, why choose the monotony of a booze or coke habit? The cardinal rule is never to use the same drug on two consecutive days. Further, NEVER EVER mix your intake of drugs. That’s what got Belushi and Ledger. Drug interactions dramatically increase your chances of a visit to ER. Definitely a style-cramper and just more fodder for the tabloids.</span></span></div></div></div></b></div></div></span></b></div></div></span></b></div></div></span></b><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"></div></div></span></b><b><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Furthermore, if you want to be a connoisseur of quality narcotics, you need to enjoy the purity of the high. You must learn to savor the bliss of phamaceutical-grade heroin in the same way a sommelier enjoys the heady aroma of a vintage bottle of Lafite-Rothschild ’75. Adulterating the euphoria of good drugs with a toot of blow is tantamount to chasing a glass of Pauillac with a Bud Light. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Though I don’t want to micromanage your regimen, here is a sample schedule to follow. </span></span></div></div></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span></div><table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoTableGrid" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-insideh-themecolor: background1; mso-border-insideh: .5pt solid white; mso-border-insidev-themecolor: background1; mso-border-insidev: .5pt solid white; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-padding-alt: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-yfti-tbllook: 191;"><tbody>
<tr style="height: 17.5pt; mso-yfti-firstrow: yes; mso-yfti-irow: 0;"> <td style="border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; height: 17.5pt; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Monday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; height: 17.5pt; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tuesday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; height: 17.5pt; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wednesday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; height: 17.5pt; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thursday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; height: 17.5pt; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Friday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; height: 17.5pt; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Saturday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; height: 17.5pt; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.3pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sunday</span></div></td> </tr>
<tr> <td style="border-top: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Marijuana</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cocaine</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Heroin</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">LSD</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alcohol</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.25pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">MDMA</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 63.3pt;" valign="top" width="63"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PCP</span></div></td> </tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Now that gets you through the first week but we should mix around the order of narcotics and introduce other substances to keep things exciting. Here’s a more detailed schedule. </span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span></div><table border="1" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="MsoTableGrid" style="border-collapse: collapse; border: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-insideh-themecolor: background1; mso-border-insideh: .5pt solid white; mso-border-insidev-themecolor: background1; mso-border-insidev: .5pt solid white; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-padding-alt: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-table-layout-alt: fixed; mso-yfti-tbllook: 191;"><tbody>
<tr> <td style="border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 41.4pt;" valign="top" width="41"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 58.85pt;" valign="top" width="59"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Monday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 54.65pt;" valign="top" width="55"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tuesday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 70.65pt;" valign="top" width="71"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wednesday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 59.85pt;" valign="top" width="60"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thursday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 49.0pt;" valign="top" width="49"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Friday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.85pt;" valign="top" width="57"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Saturday</span></div></td> <td style="border-left: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 51.55pt;" valign="top" width="52"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sunday</span></div></td> </tr>
<tr> <td style="border-top: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 41.4pt;" valign="top" width="41"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Week One </span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 58.85pt;" valign="top" width="59"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Marijuana</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 54.65pt;" valign="top" width="55"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cocaine</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 70.65pt;" valign="top" width="71"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Heroin</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 59.85pt;" valign="top" width="60"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">LSD</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 49.0pt;" valign="top" width="49"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alcohol</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.85pt;" valign="top" width="57"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">MDMA</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 51.55pt;" valign="top" width="52"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PCP</span></div></td> </tr>
<tr> <td style="border-top: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 41.4pt;" valign="top" width="41"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Week </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Two</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 58.85pt;" valign="top" width="59"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peyote</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 54.65pt;" valign="top" width="55"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PCP</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 70.65pt;" valign="top" width="71"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ketamine</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 59.85pt;" valign="top" width="60"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alcohol</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 49.0pt;" valign="top" width="49"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Vicodin</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.85pt;" valign="top" width="57"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cocaine</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 51.55pt;" valign="top" width="52"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">MDMA</span></div></td> </tr>
<tr> <td style="border-top: none; border: 1.0pt; border: solid white; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 41.4pt;" valign="top" width="41"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Week Three</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 58.85pt;" valign="top" width="59"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alcohol</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 54.65pt;" valign="top" width="55"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Marijuana</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 70.65pt;" valign="top" width="71"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cocaine</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 59.85pt;" valign="top" width="60"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Magic Mushrooms</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 49.0pt;" valign="top" width="49"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Xanax</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 56.85pt;" valign="top" width="57"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">PCP</span></div></td> <td style="border-bottom: 1.0pt; border-bottom: solid white; border-left: none; border-right: 1.0pt; border-right: solid white; border-top: none; mso-border-alt: .5pt; mso-border-alt: solid white; mso-border-bottom-themecolor: background1; mso-border-left-alt: .5pt; mso-border-left-alt: solid white; mso-border-left-themecolor: background1; mso-border-right-themecolor: background1; mso-border-themecolor: background1; mso-border-top-alt: .5pt; mso-border-top-alt: solid white; mso-border-top-themecolor: background1; padding: 0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; width: 51.55pt;" valign="top" width="52"><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ketamine</span></div></td> </tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Also, I know this will be a challenge but it might be healthy to refrain from using drugs every other Sunday. Take a yoga class or some bullshit. Talk to your shrink. Personally, after a long period of ingestion, I always found a sexual liaison to be restorative and life-affirming. Personally, nothing beats fucking off a vicious hangover with a member of the opposite sex. Or, with your orientation, you can hook up with both sexes! As you already demonstrate, variety is the spice of life. </span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span> <div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Commandment Seven: DON’T GET CAUGHT TAMPERING WITH YOUR SCRAM BRACELET</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Before proceeding, I want to emphasize that this blog does not condone violations of 18 U.S.C. § 1509 ("obstruction of court orders") nor equivalent statutes on the California books. The following remarks are to be construed as hypothetical in nature. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz-nPluPUy1_Dt81YqvsxEkBtnupKXIb9_T6AMeQDBxJi9RRWS3iS4OdttWz_AYBmaKCvQs5mzxEQvWGseRBO_ClOwRVqDVx7DEYfqV6_WvOvTjhad3abqd-QBpxuZpZ74G_sGgh9xKsQW/s1600/lscram.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz-nPluPUy1_Dt81YqvsxEkBtnupKXIb9_T6AMeQDBxJi9RRWS3iS4OdttWz_AYBmaKCvQs5mzxEQvWGseRBO_ClOwRVqDVx7DEYfqV6_WvOvTjhad3abqd-QBpxuZpZ74G_sGgh9xKsQW/s320/lscram.jpg" width="320" /></span></span></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Having said that, the photo to my left speaks for itself. This clumsy attempt at tampering with your SCRAM bracelet is simply pathetic. If you are going to break the law, try to do so in an intelligent manner. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Keep in mind these monitoring bracelets are basically junk. Besides the fact that they may not meet the </span></span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frye_standard"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Frye or Daubert standards</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> in appeals court, a decent electronics expert could trick out the alarm system in under five minutes. I suggest you find a engineering geek at Cal-Tech. Your starpower will dazzle him. After rewiring a few circuits, the bracelet will transmit an “all-clear” sobriety signal no matter how much you guzzle. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Lindsay, you are not dealing with the NSA here. </span></span><a href="http://www.1800duilaws.com/article/alcohol_monitoring_ankle_bracelets.asp"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">These bracelets</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> are <span id="goog_895905485"></span>manufactured by a chickenshit private contractor<span id="goog_895905486"></span> without any third-party research studies that affirm the effectiveness of the device. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Commandment Eight: LEARN YOUR CRAFT</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-JcVuwUZQ9neqFLpmm8KYLKpEirv838RMEYqzN0tjtk_kbRyumZsw3pmc6ATpPoIy8KChyphenhyphen3whJMfJ5IEwC7mmAcdi1CE4IYBKewd3svkPeMP-nU-whr9TPIxGCa92eCwzM5zNAWezlmNR/s1600/white_xmas_al_jolson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-JcVuwUZQ9neqFLpmm8KYLKpEirv838RMEYqzN0tjtk_kbRyumZsw3pmc6ATpPoIy8KChyphenhyphen3whJMfJ5IEwC7mmAcdi1CE4IYBKewd3svkPeMP-nU-whr9TPIxGCa92eCwzM5zNAWezlmNR/s320/white_xmas_al_jolson.jpg" width="216" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Just when I thought I was the only geezer on your case, I came across a </span></span><a href="http://insideedition.com/videos/570/jerry-lewis-blasts-young-hollywood.aspx"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">most amusing interview</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> by my old pal </span></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yYactvhshg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Jerry Lewis</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">. I will quote him directly as he articulates my sentiments perfectly. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Q: When you look at someone like Lindsay Lohan and then hear that she may get a million dollars for her first post-rehab interview, what do you think about that?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">A: First, she doesn’t know who Al Jolson was… I’d give her a smack in the mouth if I saw her… The terrible part about our business is that people don’t know their craft. They, therefore don’t really help their director, they don’t help their writer, and don’t help their play. They have to learn what they’re doing and how does that get to the public. It gets through your crew. It gets through the people next to you and you treat them with infinite care because they’re delivering what you do. And when people who have celebrity deliver nothing in return, I think they need a fucking spanking… and a reprimand. And because they have all that money, they think they can do that. It has nothing to do with money….They have the intelligence of a box of rocks…a bag of snails. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jerry has a point, Lindsay. Whether or not you know Al Jolson, learn to fucking act.</span></span></div></div></div><br />
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</span></span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">As a director, I have always subscribed to “The Method” as the best way of working with actors. For instance, before Robert DeNiro played Travis Bickle in “Taxi Driver” (old movie you wouldn’t know), he drove a NYC cab for a few weeks to become his character. It has come to my attention that you plan to play Linda Lovelace in an </span></span><a href="http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/291737"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">upcoming biopic</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> about the porn actress. Lindsay, I knew Ms. Lovelace. When she auditioned for one of my films, Linda demonstrated a certain… pharyngeal talent. Accordingly, in order to understand the inner-life of your character, it will behoove you to learn this technique. So, in the name of Stanislavsky, I gladly will work </span></span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">pro bono</span></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"> as your acting coach for as long and as hard as it takes for you to engulf the deeper meaning of Linda's existential condition. I guarantee you will deliver a full-throated Oscar-worthy performance that will blow audiences away. If you'd like to inquire further about acting lessons at my Caribbean villa, please contact my personal assistant.</span></span><br />
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<b><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><b></b></span></div><b><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><b><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><b>Commandment Nine: NEUTRALIZE THE PAPARAZZI</b></div></div></div></span></div></div></b></div></b></div></div></b></div><b><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"></div></div></b><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir50xGRMn7mkPPLz94u4IcDx-MIPpSGduyY5MJdinR977P52W5KF2yLIsTGEbZKUrY3PniV8y2CSy0Z6LOSbRg4SZI-Vj2cFE1cYlHFCRNZYmhk-8X-QXwD5rE9bp0GLLNIPVQOI53ezFn/s1600/528433062_00b262422f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir50xGRMn7mkPPLz94u4IcDx-MIPpSGduyY5MJdinR977P52W5KF2yLIsTGEbZKUrY3PniV8y2CSy0Z6LOSbRg4SZI-Vj2cFE1cYlHFCRNZYmhk-8X-QXwD5rE9bp0GLLNIPVQOI53ezFn/s320/528433062_00b262422f.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times; font-weight: normal;"><b></b></span><br />
<b><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="display: inline !important;"><div style="display: inline !important;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Although the LAPD has better things to do than initiate lockstep surveillance on your activities, the paparazzi do not. They make a living off your abnormal behavior and may expose illegalities. Accordingly, the easiest way of keeping them away involves acting sane and responsibly. However, if that is not an option, you’re going to need to undertake more proactive measures. Stashing random cars in underground parking garages is an excellent method for shaking unwanted tails. Park, change cars, and you’re free. I used to keep four or five models at LAX whenever the G broke my balls. It drove the Feds nuts! Because of flight paths, they can’t maintain aerial surveillance. For best results, don’t drive anything too flashy. After all, who would suspect that Lindsay Lohan will arrive at a nightclub in a 1982 Chrysler “K” car?</span></div></div></span></div></div></b><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>Commandment Ten: DON’T DO LOTS OF BLOW IN THE COMPANY OF MEN WHO ARE OLDER THAN 50</b><o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">We’re too polite to mention your coke-infused chatter annoys us but it does. Please don’t take offense. I only wish for you to comport yourself in a dignified and ladylike matter. </span><o:p></o:p><br />
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</span></div></div></b>J.X. Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08973193300402255546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4965789698443884360.post-9524753214014373912010-08-08T17:19:00.000-07:002010-08-08T22:21:34.319-07:00J.X. & J.P.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbr8cy4urXuF8IUuwl84QKdtFrNvNW7znVaUgXzR9AfTxJIu6_LUJJ-31dOXh6BbXlMS1fzAW5wT8rU3gk1CBmNGXicQHbAgF9loY1ZQ5iIX4rvd3d5R7hopBfnnwYRX2LlukJDLlQQ7Xd/s1600/Youll_never_eat_lunch_1st_ed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbr8cy4urXuF8IUuwl84QKdtFrNvNW7znVaUgXzR9AfTxJIu6_LUJJ-31dOXh6BbXlMS1fzAW5wT8rU3gk1CBmNGXicQHbAgF9loY1ZQ5iIX4rvd3d5R7hopBfnnwYRX2LlukJDLlQQ7Xd/s320/Youll_never_eat_lunch_1st_ed.jpg" width="212" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal">Back in ’91, you may recall H-town was abuzz with <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2002/01/03/arts/julia-phillips-57-producer-who-assailed-hollywood-dies.html">Julia Phillips</a> tell-all “You’ll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again.” Years later in Paris, I shoplifted a copy at Shakespeare & Co. and no sooner had I parked my ass at the nearest bistro in St. Michel than I flipped to the index with excited anticipation. Sadly yet predictably, yours truly was nowhere to be found. No biggie, J.P. I know the media blackout was standard operating procedure in post-JX Tinseltown. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway, that’s only part of the story. You see, Random House excised about a quarter of the original 1000-page manuscript because the lawyers felt the material vibed lawsuit-bait. As fun a read as “Lunch” may be, the juiciest bits are contained in the 250 or so pages that never saw the light of day. I wanted them. I needed them. I got them. It took years. Strings were pulled. Chains were yanked HARD. But money talks. Always the fucking money. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Regarding the unpublished sections, I must say J.P. had some choice words for some guys that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">even I wouldn’t fuck with</i>. Going after Geffen is just one thing but… I just don’t want to go there. I also take pleasure in yanking skeletons out of the closet but not when the decomposing bodies are still riddled with maggots.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">But do not fret, dear voyeurs! J.X. won’t let you walk away without a couple table scraps. Now up, boy! Sit! Stand! Roll over! Beg! OK, good dog!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">Buried away in her epic screed was the passage I had hoped to read all these years – my two pages of fame under the mean-spirited microscope of Ms. Phillips.* And though she can no longer vouch for the authenticity of the following passage, let’s just say I don’t plan a libel suit...</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<hr align="center" size="1" width="33%" /></div><div class="MsoNormal">“<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eddie_Nash">Eddie Nash</a> pushes shit coke,” grumbles the grizzled little man hunched over the table Rottweiler<a href="http://therealjxwilliams.blogspot.com/2010/08/jx-jp.html#1" name="_ftnref" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference">[1]</span></a> constructed from a saw blade. He affects the dour demeanor of a know-it-all editor eight-hours deep into an ADR session. Instead of a Steinbeck, his furrowed brow hovers over a makeshift laboratory of beakers, test tubes, Petri dishes, apothecary scales, and a Bunsen burner at the ready. He pours chloroform into a test tube, adds a pinch of blow, shakes the concoction, and awaits the result. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">“That stuff is browner than my last bowel movement. I think Ed sold you lidocaine or something.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">J.X. Williams, a never-was B-movie director with a mean streak and incredible access to pharmaceutical-grade cocaine, has dropped by for a visit. Even compared to the rogues’ gallery of dealers who have darkened my doorway over the past year, none of them hold a blowtorch to the notorious Mr. Williams. He has been pimping, hustling, wheeling, dealing, puking, duking, snorting, and cavorting up and down Mulholland for over thirty years. Give the undead their due. This vampire had seen it all. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Now check this out,” he beamed, pulling out a baggie from the inside pocket of his second-hand Brioni. “I got this shipment straight off the Cessna from Medellin. We don’t even need to bother with the Acetone. This blow is as pure as the white driven snow.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">Before you can say “cosmic ecstasy,” J.X. puts the stem to my mouth. Not quite the ultimate mindfuck but I’m seeing bells and hearing stars. Life is good. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Then Williams starts in with his inevitable spiel. We have conflicting agendas. J.X likes to talk movie deals. I prefer to limit our meeting to drug deals. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“You know Colombia is financing my next three pictures.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Columbia Pictures?” I chortled. Don’t shit a shitter, Drac. Count Williams had such a bad reputation around town that the front desk at <a href="http://icmtalent.com/">ICM</a> taped a Polaroid of his ugly mug beneath the bank of security monitors. The photo bore the magic-marker epitaph: “DO NOT ADMIT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.” </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“No, Colombia as in Juan Valdez, baby,” he explains after taking a hit. “Foreign investment! My associates from Medellin want to plant their flag in Hollywood. They’ve got the bread. You’ve got the access. Let’s make it happen.” </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Well, I am sort of on hiatus.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“HIGH-atus more like it,” he retorts. “Not that I mind. That’s your business. In fact, the cartel keeps my productions on their toes so to speak. If you want to get a sixteen-hour day out of a grip, a chemical incentive often comes in handy.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">J.X. slowly waves the pipe to and fro like a satanic priest with a censer, the trail of smoke zig-zagging through the air. He knows how much I want it. His pipe. My turn. His drugs. My connections. He knows I am dying for another hit but waits for me to beg. We reach an impasse. My pride. His desperation. Then he throws a curveball. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“So what really went down with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ray_Stark">Ray Stark</a>?<a href="http://therealjxwilliams.blogspot.com/2010/08/jx-jp.html#2" name="_ftnref" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference">[2]</span></a>”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Just one of those things…”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Let me take a guess,” he interjects, finally relinquishing the magic pipe. “He couldn’t set you up in an office with a private bathroom where you can do your blow without freaking out the secretary.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I cough out my hit, pretending I inhaled too much but genuinely surprised. Who tipped him off? Norman? Ray? David? Or was it just good old-fashioned junkie intuition? In our game of base-ball, the old pro just struck one out of the park. He knows I can’t ask about his source without affirming his hypothesis. Either way, it’s a home run. Williams demonstrates he is very clever or better connected than I thought.<a href="http://therealjxwilliams.blogspot.com/2010/08/jx-jp.html#3" style="mso-footnote-id: ftn;" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference">[3]</span></a> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“J.P., as far as I am concerned, you can snort lines off the conference room table. You work with me, we make our own rules because I don’t give a fuck. I get things done <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">by any means necessary</i>.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">J.X. continues his diatribe as the second onrush of freebase jingle-jangles through my nervous system. His voice mutates into the sound of a trombone squiggle like one of the teachers in a Charlie Brown cartoon. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Time crawls by leaps and bounds. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">“Jesus Christ, J.P., take it easy!”<br />
<br />
We’ve almost exhausted his delivery and haven’t negotiated a price yet. His drugs. My money. <br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“You’re whizzing past me on the downslope of your career and I’ve got a 15-year head start!”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I feel his cool palm on my knee. The gesture is paternal. Paternal in an incestuous way…</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“You wanna fuck?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Huh?” The drugs have withered my will to take offense.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Just kidding,” he mumbles before removing his paw. “It would have been cute though. We’d have made a great power couple.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal">More like a pariah couple. J.X. was truly the end of the line. Not just the line of blow that led into the smoky chamber of a freebase pipe either. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When he lunched alone at Ma Maison</span><a href="http://therealjxwilliams.blogspot.com/2010/08/jx-jp.html#4" name="_ftnref" title=""><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">[4]</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">every Thursday, industry execs would slip the maître d’ a twenty to not be seated at a table adjacent to his. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
“Anyway, first taste is free. You want to talk further, gimme a call.”<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">He limply shakes my hand and exits the room. I wait to hear the slam of the front door. A minute passes in silence. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
Then, I hear music from the living room. “Gimme Shelter” plays on the turntable. When Mick reaches the penultimate chorus, Williams cranks the stereo full blast:</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Rape! Murder!</i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> It’s just a shot away<br />
It’s just a shot away<o:p></o:p></i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
He lifts the needle at the end of the song and quietly shuts the front door behind him, leaving my home and my life never to be heard from again. <br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">*My trusty assistant has annotated and hyperlinked this excerpt to contextualize references you won’t understand without reading <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Youll-Never-Lunch-This-Again/dp/0451205332/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1281311331&sr=8-1">Julia’s book</a>. It’s a good read so <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Youll-Never-Lunch-This-Again/dp/0451205332/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1281311331&sr=8-1">buy a copy</a> in her memory.</div><div style="mso-element: footnote-list;"><hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" /><div id="ftn" style="mso-element: footnote;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=4965789698443884360&postID=952475321401437391" name="1"></a>1. Rottweiler was a handyman who became Julia’s live-in lover after she hired him to remodel her home. He had already broken up with her when J.X. Williams visited. Refer to <i>You’ll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again</i>, Julia Phillips, (New York: New American Library, 1991), 389-91.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=4965789698443884360&postID=952475321401437391" name="2"></a>2.Ray Stark was a powerful producer who wanted to set up a production company with Ms. Phillips. However, at a late stage of negotiations, her drug addiction scuttled the deal. Refer to <i>Lunch</i>, (pgs. 393-400) for the entire story.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=4965789698443884360&postID=952475321401437391" name="3"></a>3. J.X. Williams claims his hypothesis was a “shot in the dark.”<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=4965789698443884360&postID=952475321401437391" name="4"></a>4. Ma Maison was a restaurant on Melrose that became a popular dining spot for film industry executives in the 1970s.<br />
<div class="MsoFootnoteText"><span class="MsoFootnoteReference"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=4965789698443884360&postID=952475321401437391" name="1"></a></span></div></div></div>J.X. Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08973193300402255546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4965789698443884360.post-14834897888765510622010-08-07T16:55:00.000-07:002010-08-07T16:55:58.985-07:00Confidential Magazine<!--StartFragment--> <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB3l_rIfemG61bdDZl7EEUtPRCHV-v6tspsdvvaeNc8GWOcGcM1z1XGEqG7w_kSknRIYK8LQBFVf9hEADh6wIzP_9sNUi8F0F6sfCwriK27bvCHQn86jbSP4rvYeUJxKM9iTk4CDIaJm9m/s1600/1957_confidential_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB3l_rIfemG61bdDZl7EEUtPRCHV-v6tspsdvvaeNc8GWOcGcM1z1XGEqG7w_kSknRIYK8LQBFVf9hEADh6wIzP_9sNUi8F0F6sfCwriK27bvCHQn86jbSP4rvYeUJxKM9iTk4CDIaJm9m/s320/1957_confidential_01.jpg" width="238" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal">I’d like to thank Jimmy C. for donating the following article to <a href="http://www.jxarchive.org/">my archive</a>. Years before the National Enquirer, eons before TMZ, we had <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Confidential</i>. Time Magazine lamented:</div><blockquote>In a little more than two years, a 25¢ magazine called “Confidential”, based on the proposition that millions like to wallow in scurrility, has become the biggest newsstand seller in the U.S. Newsmen have called Confidential ("Tells the Facts and Names the Names") everything from "scrawling on privy walls" to a "sewer sheet of supercharged sex." But with each bimonthly issue, printed on cheap paper and crammed with splashy pictures, Confidential’s sale has grown even faster than its journalistic reputation has fallen.</blockquote><div class="MsoNormal">Undoubtedly, <a href="http://www.hluce.org/mission.aspx">Henry Luce</a> and his upper-crusty pals from Yale must have been pissing their jodhpurs with envy! No scandal rag before or since captivated the salacious imagination of America like <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Confidential</i>. At its peak, the magazine had a circulation of several million readers. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So when they ran a two-page spread on yours truly, I was honored but alarmed. Until then, J.X. Williams mostly operated under the radar. Not long before, I had gotten into a tiff with <a href="http://www.jfkunderworld.com/documents/7.24.78.pdf">Freddy O</a>. over a botched surveillance operation he hired me to shoot. As <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Confidential</i>’s #1 LA informant, it didn’t take a detective to find his fingerprints all over the article. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roy_Cohn">Roy Cohn</a> confirmed my theory (via <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/archives/news/2001/02/26/2001-02-26_turncoat_the_estrangements_o.html">Howard Rushmore</a>) decades later. Roy also told me that the story got <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._Edgar_Hoover">J. Edgar Hoover</a>’s bowels in an uproar. You see, the old girl had assigned two G-Men to scan and index every issue in search of juicy tidbits for inclusion within his private files. His pal <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Walter_Winchell#Professional_career">Walter Winchell</a> already tipped him off on the choice scandals so there wasn’t much dirt to glom from the publication. But after my exposé, he put another agent on the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Confidential </i>detail just to make sure nothing fell between the cracks again. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb6eSB9Fn3qZL848uoYh5GJtM1RKoeHuR6s6vsk62bqdb7xhZiaCNCGJ4KQqX3H2YWkVb1vsE5rxF-LCAAbYh4akSZfhdL51vvpPU1FL88Y6GiyQr2VH-GZH0c2NTpuc0Jhl1ZRoZXcOfV/s1600/Confidential-Page1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb6eSB9Fn3qZL848uoYh5GJtM1RKoeHuR6s6vsk62bqdb7xhZiaCNCGJ4KQqX3H2YWkVb1vsE5rxF-LCAAbYh4akSZfhdL51vvpPU1FL88Y6GiyQr2VH-GZH0c2NTpuc0Jhl1ZRoZXcOfV/s640/Confidential-Page1.jpg" width="470" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBkW5x0lag7B9BDsM4lp3UChH9BJxO_kaIyAuw5an0t1nrg7DdmTfTK9h_00-Qf3UqJE_hyphenhyphen7RzVnA4NHkCrnhqg8OwJlJpcHxLeFpZd7__rZ8mo-hzV3uR9lAUEuhv0nNhah7wJRIRj9Ib/s1600/Confidential-Page2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBkW5x0lag7B9BDsM4lp3UChH9BJxO_kaIyAuw5an0t1nrg7DdmTfTK9h_00-Qf3UqJE_hyphenhyphen7RzVnA4NHkCrnhqg8OwJlJpcHxLeFpZd7__rZ8mo-hzV3uR9lAUEuhv0nNhah7wJRIRj9Ib/s640/Confidential-Page2.jpg" width="474" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD_0GTXWKOz8Wyjq7aXEb9w7fGiZOm75HAQ9g7sZuLJWlkCszvt43xhHCHuXUNqj-vvyAyXihtSSUNfjhEFNSeNEV0eXpZguJX6NYYpGBfrCPwrmfHg9fpauXzClGKSvDZDM6BoWCsX63Q/s1600/ConfidentialPage3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD_0GTXWKOz8Wyjq7aXEb9w7fGiZOm75HAQ9g7sZuLJWlkCszvt43xhHCHuXUNqj-vvyAyXihtSSUNfjhEFNSeNEV0eXpZguJX6NYYpGBfrCPwrmfHg9fpauXzClGKSvDZDM6BoWCsX63Q/s640/ConfidentialPage3.jpg" width="474" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Roy told me Edgar would literally salivate at the mention of my name. “A commie smut-peddler,” he gushed, foaming at the mouth with hateful glee. “It’s almost too good to be true!” I don’t know how the <a href="http://books.google.com/books?id=Tu86exHKPvMC&pg=PA353&lpg=PA353&dq=%22richard+hood%22+fbi&source=bl&ots=zbwHVQEHF6&sig=4IaYbBocbgGq-H2ijIizOkHWURQ&hl=en&ei=zfFdTLvEFpDKvQOL4cCZDA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=6&ved=0CC8Q6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=%22richard%20hood%22%20fbi&f=false">LA SAC</a> managed to keep him at bay. I wouldn’t do fed time for at least another five years. </div><!--EndFragment-->J.X. Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08973193300402255546noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4965789698443884360.post-26074001064948280592010-07-31T14:36:00.000-07:002010-08-01T00:39:06.254-07:00More Bullshit<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So why am I risking exposure by writing this blog? Good question.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First of all, I am safe. The scumbags who booted me out of Hollywood are buried at </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Forest Lawn. May their souls rot in hell. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Secondly, I am bored.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span> </div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thirdly, I have not indulged my narcissistic impulses for thirty years. In that regard, I recently cooperated with a French publisher on a </span><a href="http://www.camionnoir.com/?p=detail_livre&ID=152"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">book of collected articles about my life and work</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi84EzHazfGvFQq_i0BzQGmfp6t4J4QNpVJtpKooBsQQaI6bQEkLecbC-_gViGr2MHc3_Kh3qBT6inxJXn7y4Zkk_jXmImXGPPZPuvC7cYVkRRvr9xeEHXnDb3o-gsbAUvesz-nrLwwXr0B/s1600/FrontCover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi84EzHazfGvFQq_i0BzQGmfp6t4J4QNpVJtpKooBsQQaI6bQEkLecbC-_gViGr2MHc3_Kh3qBT6inxJXn7y4Zkk_jXmImXGPPZPuvC7cYVkRRvr9xeEHXnDb3o-gsbAUvesz-nrLwwXr0B/s320/FrontCover.jpg" width="226" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The book is not available in English. There are a number of explanations for that: 1. The French are a cultured people who appreciate important film directors more than Hollywood douchebags; 2. Nobody in America has the balls to publish the dirt I dish </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">en français</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">; 3. I want an advance from a U.S. publisher. A large one.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">Though you’ll need to buy <a href="http://www.camionnoir.com/?p=detail_livre&ID=152">the book</a> for a full account of my tawdry life and times, J.X. won’t let you walk away without a cheap thrill! “Chez Williams” is cooking up an all-you-can-eat buffet of celebrity dirt, mafia dirt, political dirt, music dirt, and model dirt that will sate even the most ravenous of voyeuristic appetites. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And as for those old studio geezers in Bel-Air who thought J.X. would go gently into the night, brace yourselves. I’m coming back with a bang. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">After the carnage, you rationalized privately and lied publicly. The patina of wealth and fame masked the stench of your wicked deeds. You invented a separate persona for your wife and kids. At times, you pretended so well that things almost did seem normal. Decades went by and the evil you wrought abstracted itself. Distance mellowed everything. Red blood turned sepia. And as the wreckage shrank in the rear-window of your memory, it almost became cool and legendary like Al Capone or Dillinger.<br />
<br />
But, you see, that doesn’t cut it with me. The fault lines that were your personal weaknesses and moral failings, they never went away. And now there’s a seismic shockwave of scandal heading on a direct course for your comfy country club lifestyle.<br />
<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">All the king’s horses and all the king’s men...</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Stay tuned.</div></div>J.X. Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08973193300402255546noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4965789698443884360.post-73178724616186206082010-07-31T13:50:00.000-07:002010-08-01T00:30:16.911-07:00Ground Rules<div class="MsoNormal">You do not know me and you never will. Do not attempt to find me. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I have an assistant. Do not bother him. He does not know where I am and can tell you nothing. <i>Even if you put a gun in his mouth. </i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">For these postings, my assistant takes dictation from myself over a satellite phone. I throw out and replace the SIM card after finishing each and every call. Yes, that is an expensive thing to do but I’ve got the money. For longer postings, I compose written messages and give them to a courier who faxes them from locations hundreds of miles away or even from a different continent. Said faxes are burnt upon receipt. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Do not attempt to find me. Or I will find you. And, brother, you will not like that. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I carry six passports. Perfect forgeries. Even a diplomatic one to get me out of tough situations. Unfortunately, I never got to use my favorite. I got it courtesy of Reza Pahlavi before Iran went medieval. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Just to be on the safe side, I have plastic surgery done every five years. I get the surgeons to carve me like my favorite actors. In the 80s, I played Cary Grant before making a brief cameo as Fred Astaire. Daddy Long Legs didn’t suit me though. I looked like a queer. So I had the doctors recut me as Clint Eastwood and kept the tough guy look for a long time. As for my current role, I’ll just have to leave you guessing. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Do not waste your time looking for me. The paper trails have gone cold decades ago. Social Security Number? Never had one. Birth Certificate? Lost after a mysterious fire in a hospital basement. FBI file? Expunged. There’s a funny story behind how a friend pulled that caper but I think I’ll keep it to myself. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I’m so fucking good at this that there are <a href="http://www.jxarchive.org/images/Brussels.pdf">conspiracy theorists</a> who say I don’t even exist. Anyone who is anyone on Mulholland probably heard the rumors already. For the rubes in Peoria not in the know, let me give you a clue. My identity is “on the QT, and very Hush-Hush.” And if you haven’t figured it out already, that’s a double-entendre: could be the tall one or the bald one. Or let’s triple the entendre. Maybe they’re doing it together. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway, keep guessing away, fuckheads. I’m going out for a hot sake and a blow job. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">JX</div>J.X. Williamshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08973193300402255546noreply@blogger.com0